YOUR FAKE FUCKING GLASSES ARE NOT FASHION, YOU HORRIBLE DOUCHEBAG
I have been wearing glasses for 22 years. I literally do not remember a moment of my life during which I did not own a pair of glasses.
The list of my optical maladies is long and puzzling. I am far sighted. I have been misdiagnosed with brain cancer. This misdiagnosis prompted a visit to a neuro-opthamologist who, after diagnosing the ‘tumor’ as a ‘genetic defect’, said to me, “My children are perfect. And so are you. Except for this one thing.” Thing. THING.
I have worn plastic glasses with weird rubber tips. I wave worn pink ones and brown and blue and ones too big and too small for my face.
I have been called ‘four-eyes’ and ‘geek’ and a dork and I have been weirdly fetishized by people “into the whole sexy librarian thing”.
I have had people I have known for 5 minutes and people I have known for years insist on looking through my glasses to “see how bad they are” and I have watched as their heads invariably jerk back in shock and I have pretended that their shout of ‘WOAH!’ and head shakes as they hand my glasses back did not eviscerate me.
I have had to explain the difference between near and far sighted and why I can’t “just get LASIK” ten thousand times.
I have crawled underneath my bed and tossed couch cushions and, really, entire houses in search of the stupid things.
I have made emergency, death-defying drives to lenscrafters when my glasses have fallen apart in my hands after a shower TWICE.
I suck at Super Mario and I have taken what I assure you is beyond the normal number of hits to the face by balls or other objects thrown or sometimes even gently tossed at me because I have no depth perception because of my eyesight.
I have cried and I have emptied my wallet as the price of each new pair has risen and risen (the last pair was just over $500) despite that my prescription has stayed almost exactly the same.
I have squinted in the car and on the beach and at the park because I can’t just buy a $5 pair of sunglasses like you can.
I have earned these.
You have not.
SO TAKE THEM OFF OF YOUR STUPID FUCKING HIPSTER FACE.
