Sometimes when I’m washing my face before bed, I see my dreams.
I know it sounds stupid. But sometimes, somehow, I get lost in the rhythm and the routine of washing a ton of shit off of and then putting a ton of shit back on to my face and I get a sneak peek of what I’m going to dream about that night. On Tuesday, after the Retin-A micro but before the moisturizer, I saw my college boyfriend’s face, immediately followed by my mother’s.
Sure enough, I dreamt that he and I had been seeing each other again. His life had fallen apart, he’d gotten divorced and he was living with his parents. All of that was familiar, a common thread in the (infrequent, I swear) dreams I have about him these days. The twist this time was during the dream, I found out that he had knocked me up, and when I went to the doctor’s office for a check up, the nurse escorted me into a room with a bunch of other expectant mothers. At a podium at the front of the room was my college ASL professor and she told all of us that our unborn children would be deaf. I met up with him afterwards to break the news. The dream ended with me telling him I wanted to have an abortion, that I “couldn’t do it again,” and then I looked down and in a carrier was a baby, presumably also ours and presumably also deaf (I knew in that way that you just know things in a dream without any explanation), that had gone heretofore UNMENTIONED!
It’s been warm here, so I’d been sleeping under just a throw blanket but I woke up from that shivering so hard I practically dove underneath my comforter. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for days. Would I really want to abort a deaf baby? I don’t think so. Jesus. Dreams are so stupid. What a stupid thing to be able to do.